Communication Killers and How to Avoid Them
Conflict is guaranteed in any relationship, especially committed romantic relationships. Conflict can range from minor disagreements to full on shouting matches. Small conflicts, left unresolved, often build resentment and explode later. Large conflicts are usually the result of these deferred issues. Conflict happens via communication - the way in which you’re speaking, gesturing, or otherwise behaving toward each other. By addressing communication, we address conflict.
The Four Horsemen
Drs. Julie and John Gottman have identified through research what they aptly call “the Four Horsemen” of relationships - four specific behaviors that lead to doom and destruction. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Left unchecked, these behaviors are terribly corrosive to relationships and often lead to breaking up and divorce.
Criticism - these are statements that name and blame your partner for something. “You always leave your dirty dishes in the sink! You never listen to me! You’re always on your phone ignoring me! Why can’t you just grow up! You’re so irresponsible! You’re doing it wrong!” Criticism typically leads to the second horseman - defensiveness.
Defensiveness - these are statements that deny and divert the blame coming your way, typically with escalating tone and body language. “No I didn’t. You’re wrong. What about when you did xyz?” Or it can escalate further to criticism in the reverse. “You think I’m always abc? Well you’re always xyz!” Defensiveness can exist without criticism, but criticism can reliably lead to defensiveness.
Contempt - this is where things really start getting ugly. Contempt is the emotion and the corresponding behavior that says “I’m better than you” or “you’re beneath me” in some way. Contempt also looks like insults and name-calling. Contempt communicates that the other doesn’t matter, is not important, is not worth listening to. Contempt is where we start to snarl and sneer at one another, where insults creep in, and where judgments and bitterness take over.
Stonewalling - this is when we shut down, where one or both partners stop communicating. This can be intentional ignoring of the other person, or it can be emotional flooding that renders one person unable to speak. It’s the continual refusal to discuss some pressing issue. This can lead to long term disconnection.
Antidotes
If you’ve just read the above list and are noticing these showing up in your relationship, don’t panic. It’s highly likely that these show up at least a little bit. When you identify them, you can do something about them. Fortunately, there are “antidotes” to the Four Horsemen, ways in which we can avoid them or limit their impact.
Gentle start up - instead of the critical “you always . . .”, we can say something like, “hey can we talk about something? I’m feeling annoyed/frustrated/bummed/hurt etc., about . . .” Or “it really bugs me when . . .” This works to communicate the issues, without coming in too hot and getting a defensive reaction. When you can say “I feel annoyed/frustrated etc., you’re describing yourself rather than your partner, and you will have a better chance of being listened to. This last part is especially important - if you speak in a more gentle, less critical way, your partner is more likely to truly listen to you.
Accepting responsibility - instead of denying and diverting, you look for a way to accept some responsibility (not necessarily all). This could look like: “I’m so annoyed by you being late again! You’re right, I was late tonight.” By acknowledging this, you’re communicating that you’re open and able to take responsibility for your actions.
Describe your own feelings - instead of insulting your partner and putting them down, the antidote to contempt is describing your own feelings. Instead of saying “you’re so selfish and lazy” you could say “I’m feeling really angry that I’m left cleaning up the kitchen after dinner every night.” While you may be at a breaking point, contempt will never get you what you want from your partner. Insults are not going to get a calm, thoughtful response.
Physiological calming - stonewalling is often the result of feeling overwhelmed to the point of needing to shut down. This is also known as the freeze response. However, shutting down shuts the other person out. Instead, finding ways to calm and soothe yourself is necessary. This can look like taking a few deep breaths, or taking a 30 minute break from the conversation to go for a walk by yourself. When really overwhelmed, research shows we need at least 30 minutes to come back down to a baseline level of calm. Learning to read signs of mounting stress is important so you can calm before feeling totally overwhelmed and shutting down.
Try It Out
Take a close look at your communication patterns. Read over this with your partner. Look for any of the four horsemen in the ways you as an individual communicate. Share what you observe about yourself with your partner. (Don’t point out all the ways they use the four horseman - that’s criticism and will be more trouble than it’s worth.) As you listen to your partner, just listen; don’t pile on. Then start practicing using the antidotes. Let yourself learn and grow. If you need more help, reach out.