Couples Therapy
“We’re going round and around with the same arguments and we never get anywhere”
“We’re like roommates who just occupy the same space”
“We can’t even talk without one of us blowing up or shutting down”
“We’ve built up so much resentment for so long, we don’t even know where to start”
Sound familiar?
Couples Counseling Can Help
Couples counseling helps by creating a space to actually address these issues. It provides a structure and rhythm to intentionally focus and figure out what’s going on.
You can learn to hear and be heard by your partner. You can learn to have productive, respectful conversations. You can find your way back to a relationship that is fun more than embattled, loving rather than spiteful, confident rather than unstable.
How Couples Counseling Works
I listen to both of you describe your experience in the relationship, your history together, your view of what is working and what is not. Whether your relationship is just getting started and you’re trying to discern whether to commit long term, or you’re grappling with issues decades in the making, I collaborate with you to tailor counseling to your specific situation.
From here we typically focus on two primary objectives: resolving conflict and building friendship. You may be reaching out because of longstanding fights or disputes that never seem to change. We begin addressing this by learning new ways to communicate, both hearing your partner and being heard by your partner. We address unresolved pain by taking a deep and honest look at what has happened, and by accepting responsibility for those actions and consequences.
Resolving conflict is not enough. Building friendship is equally important. A strong relationship requires you to like and enjoy one another, and this needs to be intentionally developed. When you truly enjoy one another, conflict tends to have a smaller impact. Perhaps you’re reaching out because the spark you once had is gone. Rekindling this may look like remembering how you have connected before, and reengaging in those activities. It might also mean developing new ways of connecting and enjoying each other. All relationships need this, as we all grow and change.
The Gottman Method
Drs. John and Julie Gottman are researchers at the University of Washington in Seattle. Over decades, they have developed a robust and evidence-based approach to couples counseling. I have completed level one of their training, and much of the way I do couples counseling is based on their work.
What is especially unique about this style of couples counseling is the way in which I coach you as you interact with each other. While there is some back and forth between you and me, we focus primarily on you as a couple speaking to each other and actively practice new skills for communicating effectively.
Asian and Multicultural Couples
I focus on working with Asian couples, as well as multicultural and multiracial couples (of course, I am happy to work with any couple needing support). As a biracial Asian person in an interracial marriage, I have lived this experience. I know the ways in which culture, race, gender, and spirituality impact the day to day relationship as well as the relationship over the long haul. I also know that every individual and every couple is unique and complex, and that relationships are much richer when this uniqueness and complexity is honored. It is my honor to get to make use of this experience to help you live a more fulfilling life together.
Top Issues Multicultural and Interracial Couples Face
Communication breakdown - arguing or placating without truly understanding or caring
Emotional Expression - different views on how and when to express emotion and communicate with emotions
Loss of intimacy - a decrease or absence of connection, be it emotional, physical, spiritual, or sexual
Parenting - overwhelmed by kids’ needs, difference in parenting strategy, difference in gender role expectations
Family - participating (or not) in your original family, navigating expectations of parents, caring for aging relatives
Values - cultural beliefs and practices, spiritual identity, moral outlook, financial perspective
Identity - who you are as individuals, as a couple, as a family; racial and cultural dynamics; gender dynamics
Your relationship is too important to ignore. Don’t wait any longer. Reach out.