How to Validate Your Partner's Emotions and Why It’s Important

We’ve all probably heard this word thrown around now - validation. But what does it really mean?

Validation is empathy in action. Empathy is the feeling you experience about someone else’s experience, and validation is the way you show it. Validation is useful for all relationships, but especially for couples, families, friends, parent to child, boss to employee, etc.

Empathy and validation are ways we connect with each other, and the way we first learn what emotions are and what to do with them. When a baby is born, it is completely and utterly dependent on its parents for survival. Humans are fairly unique in this way. It’s through expressions of emotion - cries, giggles, wide-eyed wonder - that parents figure out what their baby needs. This is where empathy comes in - the more successfully parents can feel something of what their baby feels, the more successfully they can meet their needs.

This goes two ways. While the parents are tuning in to the baby, the baby is tuning in to the parents. They’re both reading each other and influencing each other’s emotional state. They are communicating largely through emotion, facial expression, and body language (sometimes referred to collectively as affect), not words. This attunement helps regulate emotion.

As we grow, we still need others to tune in to us. We use words in addition to facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language to show that we’re listening and that we care.

As adults, we’re much more able to take care of ourselves, yet we still need that emotional attunement. Continued empathy and validation allow relationships to deepen, stronger bonds to develop. Attunement also helps emotion to move through us, rather than staying static, or building up.

So what does validation look like? This can be a simple “you did really good work here” when someone does well. Or if someone tells you how they’re upset about something, validation could look like “I can see why that would be so frustrating”, or “I’m sorry, that really sucks.”

Let’s explore a couple examples. First, what not to do.

Sam: My boss was such a jerk today. I’m really pissed.

Jamie: Did you say anything? You should stand up for yourself.

Sam: Well, no . . . she called me out in front of everyone for something that wasn’t even my responsibility.

Jamie: If you want this to change, you really need to do something about it. Maybe it’s time to talk to HR.

Sam: I don’t want to talk to HR - can’t you just listen to me? I felt really embarrassed, but also pretty pissed.

Jamie: What about your co-workers? Maybe you can get them to back you up.

Sam: You’re not listening to me.

Jamie: I don’t know what your problem is. If you want something to change, you need to do something about it.

Sam: Forget it. 

Here is probably the most common missed validation opportunity: problem-solving. Instead of recognizing what Sam is communicating, Jamie is trying to solve a problem. But Jamie is missing Sam in the process. Sam has not asked for a problem to be solved, rather they’re telling something that happened. The feelings of anger and embarrassment are being invalidated, minimized. When this happens repeatedly, it’s likely Sam will be left feeling even more angry, foolish, or lonely.

Instead, we could try this:

Sam: My boss was such a jerk today. I’m really pissed.

Jamie: Oh no! Did she do that thing again, where she blamed you for something that wasn’t your fault?

Sam: Yeah! She called me out in front of everyone, and now everyone thinks I’m an idiot!

Jamie: That’s so frustrating. I’m sorry that happened again.

Sam: I really hate it. I’m not sure what to do.

Jamie: Do you think everyone thinks you’re an idiot? It seems like your boss has done this to a few people.

Sam: That’s true. She called out Ted and Rebecca last week.

Jamie: Yikes, seems like your boss is the one with the problem.

Sam: Yeah, maybe so.

See the difference? Jamie is making room for Sam to express more. Through the conversation, Sam can recognize that they aren’t being singled out by their boss, it’s actually a problem with their boss. This second scenario is more likely to yield a better outcome than the first, because the emotions (anger and embarrassment) can actually move, rather than be suppressed.

Here’s another common example of invalidation:

Sam: This is really hard. I’m really struggling.

Jamie: You think this is hard? This is nothing. It could be way worse.

What’s Jamie expecting here? Maybe Sam will say, “You know what, you’re right. This isn’t hard. Silly me.” This has probably never happened in the course of human history, and yet so many of us persist with this approach.

This is the classic, “well in my day we had to walk uphill both ways in the snow!” It’s a total missed opportunity for connection. Jamie has just shut down Sam. Sam will likely either clam up or explode. Instead, Jamie could say, “tell me more”, or “what’s going on?” or “do you need help?” Or, “yes, this is hard. I bet you can do it.” Or “this is hard, but together I bet we can make it through.” The point is, you have so many options other than invalidation.

Sometimes it can be very difficult to muster the empathy with your partner’s emotion. It may be very difficult to validate what they’re feeling. However, at the very least, we can avoid invalidating. If you can’t get yourself to validate, at least don’t invalidate.

A few other phrases that might help validate:

For positive moments:

• Thank you. (Or even better, thank you for that very specific thing you did)

• Nice work! I can see you really put in a lot of effort.

• I noticed you took out the trash. I appreciate that.

• You look really nice today.

For expressions of sadness:

• Oh how disappointing.

• That’s such a bummer.

• I know how badly you wanted that.

• I’m sorry.

For anger:

• That is really frustrating!

• I feel angry just hearing about this.

• I can see why that would piss you off.

Body language, facial expression, and tone of voice all matter here as well. I’ll come back to this in another post, but for now, you can focus on this: if you say any of these things with sincerity, your body language will follow.

If all of this seems basic or obvious to you, I hear you. In my work as a therapist, I have never met a couple, family, or individual who couldn’t improve in this department. I myself have to resist the urge to invalidate or problem-solve at times, and have to learn better ways to validate. This is one of those back-to-basics issues, a fundamental of mental and relational health to keep practicing forever. The beauty of it is that it’s relatively simple (even if it’s not actually easy all the time), and has tremendous impact in the long run.

If you need more help with this, please reach out.